Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
