Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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