If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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