remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
