i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
