I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
