Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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