She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
