omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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