I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Randomize
