He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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