Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
