Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
