Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
