There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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