someone threw a dead crab at me
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
