you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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