yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
