I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
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