i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
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Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
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You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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