I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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