I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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