he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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