what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
