I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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