i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
