My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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