Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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