she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
