I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
two words...techno handjob
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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