Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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