Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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