party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
