All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
