Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I can't turn off my feet"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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