You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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