got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
