Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
