Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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