my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
