Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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