just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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