its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
