either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
