Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
