I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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