My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
