it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
