I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My cat gives me a boner
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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