i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
