the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
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