my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
