And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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