I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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