No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
