im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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