That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
