you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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