Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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