No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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